?

?

Love—
memories come to mind
memories of friends
and others
others
who weren’t just friends
love?
some how
some way
yes
yet,
no
not that way
a spectrum?
spectrum of love?
or
a category?
category of love?
the others
of different degree
or different kind
is it so impossible to think that—
well
never mind
whatever
it’s just that—
how?
and when?
whenever?
adult, child, teenage, adolescent, young adult
boy
girl
friends
going-out
boy-friend and girl-friend
man
woman
dating
why?
Marriage?
going out?
dating?
marriage when?
and what is maturity anyway
and wisdom
crush
like
infatuation?
really like
really really like
love?
obsession
admiration
obsessive admiration
lust?
longing – desiring – yearning – but,
no
not yet?
Never?
ever?
but why!
sin?
pain
unrelenting pain
afterwards
after the joy
the romance
after the “love”
the like
the crush
the friendship
pain
but,
no
Pain is always
always for this time
until after time
then?
but,
what about me?
my pain?
how God?
how love without pain?
greater degree?
greater frequency?
different type?
a new beast altogether?
show me
teach me
whatwherewhenhowwhowhy?
?
but,

Discussion

This poem is attempts to capture the stream of conciousness thought process that plagued my high school mind and heart when trying to unravel the mysteries of love, its various expressions in different types of relationships, and the tensions it creates. Perhaps the greatest tension I felt at that young age was the fact that my high school relationships were appropriately subject to rules, restrictions, and boundaries, while my teenage hormones (the very reason for the aforementioned boundaries) were not.

So many of my friendships seemed to have the seed of something more, the added tension of romance, just under the surface. It was maddening to know, objectively, that the purpose of these feelings was to eventually be fulfilled and satisfied in marraige. However, in the meantime, whether I had a “girlfriend” or not, some or all of my desires would remain unrequited.

It’s difficult to look back on this poem without acknowledging the spiritual undertones. Part of my struggle was related to the Christian condemnation of attraction and lust as being a sin. Indeed, some even taught that “lust” was the equivalent of “fornication” or “adultry.” In addition to keeping kids safe, these teaching had the consequence of associating shame with romantic attraction. To full understand the sort of “crisis” this kind of teaching might put a teenager in, it’s worth noting that within Christianity there is a teaching that all sins, all acts of rebellion, are equal in that they place us in a state of separation from God. While some sins are more heinous and thus have greater consequences, the primary consequence of being unclean before God was realized by any infraction. Next, it wasn’t just the spiritual consequences that were catastrophized, but the earthly consequences as well. If you break the rules and give way to lust this was taught to be the path to the dark side. While it wasn’t always made explicit, it was usually pretty clear that the dark side, the ultimate negative consequence of lust, was STD’s and babies. Thus the fear and shame tactics of Christian purity culture are alive and well as an undertone to this poem about an angsty teenager trying to process his very natural feelings of friendship and attraction.

So, like everyone, I struggled with the whole concept of love. I rejoiced in the beauty of those I was attracted to while simultaneously beating myself up for having feelings which would remain unfulfilled and whose purpose I couldn’t fathom.